A listeners. I'm doing another solo episode on the podcast. And it's very impromptu you. I've just come off recording a podcast, I was a guest on a podcast with Debbie Payne, who was one of my previous podcast guests. And we were having a chat. And she asked me about my childhood and how events from my childhood have led me to being the person that I am today. And I got like, super, super emotional, because it's coming up to my birthday, like my birthday is on the 15th. So in a couple of days, this time of year is a really funny, I have a funny relationship with this time of year because 45 years ago, on the day before my 12th birthday, is when my mum my beautiful, gorgeous, loving life, mum suddenly passed away. And so the day before my, my 12th birthday is etched in my forever notice. And, you know, I'm just reflecting on what that that means and how I navigate that. And I don't want this to this is not a whole woe is me, you know, dwelling in the past, but it's about capturing, I guess, you know, I can't change the past, I can create my future. But the things from the past still 45 years later still impact me. And I was reflecting even before the podcast with Debbie this morning, about, you know, if I could change things. You know, I would probably change a few of those really bad burns that I had my girlfriend when the angels the angels came to young where I grew up, and my girlfriend, Cindy, Hey, gorgeous, if you're listening, I want to competition to make doc Mason at the local radio station, and then to go and watch the angels. But we were under age to say to get into the club, you had to be over 18. So what Cindy and I did is we went and got our hair done. And I think that was maybe one of my first poems to make me look like getting to the club and see the angels but it was a really, it was not a good perm. It was not a good perm. And I remember another thing I would love to change is another perm that I had, maybe no 10 years after that when I would Nicole Kidman had really spirally gorgeous long, curly hair. One of my girlfriends was a hairdresser and I said I really want to have hair like Nicole Kidman, can you do a permanent? Because when you've got short hair, and I said yeah, I still would love to have like the COC. And she said that is not going to look great. And I said I want you to do it. So she did a perm a spiral. Short here. That was one of my biggest regrets in life. And it just I think that's when I ended up getting it cut even shorter, because it was terrible. And she said I told you so. So if I could change that I would change that. I would probably change. Oh my gosh, some of those outfits. I remember a round checked corduroy shirt. If I could change that I probably wouldn't wear that says in choices about clothes. But if I could change man if there was just one thing that I could change, it would be that that day before my 12th birthday. Things were different that mum didn't pass away. Because often that is not grief for those of you that have experienced grief we all do it differently. We all do it so incredibly differently. And what I've learned is that it doesn't leave you you learn to live with it in your heart and it's still oh my gosh I've got tears in tears coming out. Now. That coming up to this time of the year it just kind of magnifies that feeling and also because I talked about it in the podcast this morning as well I kind of even zoomed zoomed right in on it. And the Great's it doesn't leave you and the thing for me is so this is 45 years ago, Holly turning 57 In a couple of days and I'm all All Gods, they're celebrating birthdays that is does not worry me at all. But 45 years ago, there was no counselling. So and I've shared this with you before, in, you know, previous previous iterations. There was no counselling. It was kind of like mom's passed away. She was 36 Holy shit, she was 36. She was she, she suffered from asthma, but not life more, not that we thought life threatening asthma. And she had a sudden heart attack and passed away when she was 36. So it was the shock of that. And there was no counselling, like no, no counselling. And it was almost like in our family, we just got on, we just got on with life. I felt like absolute shit. But I couldn't share that I felt like that. And it was just this whole quagmire of lip bliss, like this Blick pneus. If that sounds, I'm not sure how the that will get translated into the captions. Subtitles. But it was not a great feeling. It was not a great feeling. For so many years, there's a numbness. And you know, probably, it was when you talk about the grieving cycle. There's the shock. And it's kind of like that shock of what happens, then there's the denial of, oh, my gosh, that can't be true that that's happened, then there's a whole lot of anger and resentment that your loved one has been taken away from you. And then there's, you get to a period of acceptance, and then being able to move on. And you know, that all sounds very, you know that it happens in a linear fashion. It doesn't. But I would say I was absolutely in shock. For a long, long time. Denial, I can't recall going through denial. Maybe, you know, I can't believe that this has happened. I was stuck in that anger stage. And it wasn't anger. I don't recall there being anger directed at my mum has gone and my mum has passed away. I'm angry about that. I was just angry with the lice. I was just angry. I was numb and angry. If that's the, the reflection, and that was for many, many years ago, so I don't even know how to I don't even know what I'm feeling. I wouldn't have said that. I was angry. And it was, oh gosh, probably about 1015 years ago, I bumped into a girl. She wasn't a close friend from school, but I bumped into her. And we were just reflecting about, you know, growing up and about school. So she was certainly an acquaintance. She said, Oh my god, Catherine, you were just such an angry person. And I said, Really? She said, Yeah, you always angry whenever I knew you're just angry. I was like, oh my god, I did not kind of realise that. And then when I reflected it was like, Yeah, I was angry. I don't think I don't know. It'd be interesting for my girlfriends and people from that time if what your reflections are, but I resonate more with feeling nothing, like nothing, I think maybe my behaviours display that I was angry, and not loving life. But I don't know if I would have labelled that as to what that's what I was feeling. But I can certainly reflect back on it. So when we talk about the grieving cycle, I was stuck in that stage for many, many, many years. And then through my really through the work that I was doing, and being exposed when I was studying psychology, and you know, a whole lot of different tools and techniques through my work. I was able to apply them to myself. And I did a lot a lot of work on myself about being able to get the counselling that I needed

Unknown Speaker 9:26
GIS and using these before, but I never when I had the different counselling. I tried not to talk about mum because it made me too sad. And so I would kind of skirt around the issues of other things in life happening, but never really got to the root cause of what a lot of what was going on for me until much later. And then I would say it was you know a lot of a lot a lot a lot of years after mom passed away then I got to that acceptance stage. Now, knowing what I know now until lines have really, really changed. There's a lot of work that gets done for people, you know, through that grieving cycle. So for me, it was about grieving the loss of a loved one in a, you know, my, my role model in life, that that's a loss, that grief is also around loss of, you know, identity loss when people change careers, you know, loss of who they were in their career retirement, there's a grieving about who I used to be relationships, when relationships end or break down, there's a grieving around the what was and, you know, the loss of not being able to conceive or have babies or losing babies. You know, it's not just the grief of losing what was, but it's also about losing the what could have been. And that's where a lot of the stuff that I think about now that it wasn't just about losing mom and the sadness, but there was a lot of the grief was around. Not her not being there. For me, and not being there for me at different points in my life. Oh my God, when I had my own kids, the first baby I ever healed was Leu, my first, my first. And, sorry, ill. And I held her and it was kind of like, holy Dooley, what do I do? What do I do with this baby that won't settle that won't save properly, that won't, you know, there was people that were all very well, giving me advice that that's a point, you know, went ahead, Henry is a baby, I was a little bit better. But even, you know, special day of being married, all the different being a grandmother, you know, missing out on all those different events in life with things that, you know, that's part of the grief as well. So I have accepted that there are things in life that we can't change those terms, those outfits, and my gorgeous, gorgeous mum passing away. But what I've had learned is that, you know, reflecting on it as something, I used to actually reflect on it as being really hating the fourth eighth of April, because that was the anniversary of when, and she did pass away. But I really hated that day. And I didn't celebrate, I kind of went into that. I don't want to deal with it. Day, which meant that I don't want to deal with my birthday. So for many, many years, I hated celebrating my birthday. There's not many things I hate, but that time of year I've really, really hated. And what I've learned over, you know, probably correlates to the number of birthdays I've had, is I don't hate that time of year anymore. I recognise it I a, you know, tribute to my mom. And I do that all the time. You know, I connect with her. I connect with her all the time through my means in my connections. So I, I've changed my language. And I've changed my thoughts about the past. I used to even refer to it, you know, in addition to hating what happened, I used to refer to it as you know that shit from my past, or that, you know, the shit that happened in the past. I don't say that anymore. And I haven't said that for a number of years. I really changed my view of the past. And it's about honouring the past that and it might seem like a really weird thing that I honour that my mum passed away. But I do honour because I can't change it. I cannot I there's nothing I can do to even remotely change that to the perms. I know not to do that again. But I can't change the fact that my mum passed away I can't change the fact that there was no counselling around that I can't change the fact that I was angry, and probably not living my best life. I can't change that. But I can recognise it and I can honour what happened. So for me honour has a real energy to it. That brings that it was important returned, it was special. And it was a part of my life that that has shaped me into who I am today,

Unknown Speaker 15:09
I can see, you know, all the events of what I've experienced have absolutely shaped me who I am today, I know not to get those poems. But I also know what it means to have something that you love so much with you one day and gone the next without any warning. I know how precious life is. And I made that decision. When I got through a whole lot of you know, my my grieving and healing, I made the decision that I was going to make my life the best and most beautiful life that I could make it. And I have honoured that decision, I would say for the best part of, you know, 30 years, maybe Now not every day is roses and unicorns, and you've heard me talk about this before. And if you've listened to my last podcast solo episode, not every day, it's roses and unicorns, there are lots and lots of challenges that I I am faced with on a personal level. And even though my mindset is about creating my best and most beautiful life, I'm a realist, too, that doesn't mean that nothing challenging is ever going to happen. But what it does mean is my my outlook on life, my approach to life, is that I can move through those wobbly bits, better, more efficiently, quicker than I was able to in the past. So it doesn't mean that the things don't happen, but it means that I have a different outlook on life now. And that is my overarching mantra is that I'm going to live my best and most beautiful life that I possibly can. So that means that gets back to decisions that I make about myself and my life. And is this going to keep me on track with living that that beautiful life? Or is it going to be something that takes me away, and sometimes I don't realise the decisions at the time might be the ones that are a little bit of a detour. But by having that overarching outlook on life, it helps me to, to stay on track, and really to honour myself and my life. And what I'm creating in the person who I am in a person who I want to be their conscious decisions. And they they've come about from that pivotal point in my life when I was unhappy, and I knew how friggin miserable life was and making the choice, and having the courage to be able to change things. And I'm very deliberate in saying that word having the courage, because I could have gone on and lived a life of you know, numbness, unhappiness, anger, and it probably would have been very, very different to what it is now. But I had the courage to step out of my comfort zone, and to choose and create a different life for myself. And when I was talking with Debbie on her podcast, she was asking about how does the events from my childhood shape who I am today, that's very much, that's very much the having a happy, almost idyllic childhood to them, you know, till up until my 12th birthday, that being absolutely devastating and terrible, and not the life I want to live to be able to creating, you know, turning my life around. I had some opportunities that were presented to me when I was working. And there was one woman who she could see something in me that I couldn't even see in myself and she was able to help me to, to foster and grow and develop my ability to help others. And I know you know, I've studied a lot in that space as well. But I know that that's absolutely my calling and the events of my life have led me to be the person that I am in all areas of my life but also in my particularly my business where I'm helping other people to create their best and most beautiful lives because I know what it feels like to be shitty and not living a great life. So you can maybe get some insight into even some of the language that I use around when I'm you know happiness for life is A framework that I use when I'm working with individuals, it's about helping people to be their best versions of themselves and to be the fabulous, confident, gorgeous women that they were born to be. Because we have that, right. And sometimes life gets, you know, we get off track. So it's about helping people to identify what their version of happiness is. Because we're, you know, we can be miserable, or we can be super, super happy. And I just wanted to capture that I see, I think what happens when I get drawn to the solo episodes of the podcast is, when I'm going through something particular, and sharing that with people. It's not about reliving my story, just for the sake of reliving my story, but it's about where I'm at with things. And also, it's where I'm at with things. And if there's any thing that comes out of the podcast that can help even one person, you know, that's my work here is done. My work here is done. And I hope that there's some some elements that might be able to help you, whatever stage of life you're at, to recognise that we can't change the past. But we can, we can create the future. And we can create the future, there's still a lot of unknowns, we, we don't know exactly what's going to happen. But we can be part of that cocreation process where we're actually choosing what we want for ourselves, and we're honouring all the bits that have happened and changing our mindset around. Some of those things that might might not be things that you want to repeat. But it's about changing your mindset and your outlook. And when you change it on the past, it will help you to move forward in the present, to live in the present, but to also create that future. That is one where you are honouring who you are. And you're doing what you want in life, and you're showing up how you want to show up in your version of happiness and your version of your best and your version of your most beautiful life. So this has been a little bit of a shorter one, I hope. Yeah, I hope I hope. I hope you've got something out of it. And I'm just thinking, I guess the other thing that comes up is just acknowledge and allow, how are you feeling like I'm sad? And said, Oh my god, I do such an ugly. I guess one of the other things that I didn't do in the past is I didn't acknowledge how I was feeling. I didn't allow any of the emotions. If I got teary in the past, I would rock solid shut that down. It's like not there is no freakin way I am ever going to cry. And there is no freakin way I would ever cry on my podcast. And there is absolutely no way I would cry if I'm being recorded. But what I have learned is to acknowledge the feelings and to allow them to come up to allow them to do what they need to do. And when you acknowledge the feelings, that's part of honouring what they are. Because when you push the feelings down, you're actually saying that's not important. I'm not going to deal with it. And I get it, you know, there's time and place for when you acknowledge and how you acknowledge but the process of acknowledging the feelings is important. Because that can help it come to the surface so you can do something with it. And what I've learned over the years is to allow that to happen. So even though I've just had that little teary pneus that's Thank you very much for for allowing me to do that. I mean, not that you allowed me at all. And not that I needed your permission at all. But I feel heaps heaps better. So maybe you should all have your own podcast and just talk about stuff and share it with the world. Because it I do I feel heaps heaps better. So the sadness, absolutely around the day before my 12th birthday, and what I have done over the years is I choose to celebrate my birthday in so much Rican style. I love my birthdays because that is a celebration of me. And that is an anniversary of the day that I was birthed into this lifetime. And that's a really important day to celebrate Sr, all of your own birthdays. And a couple of years ago,

Unknown Speaker 25:08
I kind of made some connections with mum passing away, the day before my birthday, it actually brought so much more of a closeness, because it was like that circle of life that her life ended. The day before my life, the anniversary of my life began and I feel very, very connected to her in a way that when I was younger, and hating that day, I did not feel connected. So I actually do a I do do a ceremony. You know, they I do this ceremonies and sacred kind of stuff for lots of different things. But this, for me, is a really, really sacred, sacred time in my life. And to acknowledge the beautiful gift of my my mother's life, the beautiful gift that she gave me, in birthing me, and the beautiful gift that I have gifts that I have received since her passing. So I do feel that it is a very special day. So if you've got stuff, sorry, this is probably a little bit gobbly. But I will end it now. But if you've got stuff going on in your life, I would encourage you to allow whatever it is to come up and to say you can acknowledge and honour your feelings about things. And then even just shifting your perspective on how you view what's happening for you. And you know that that sounds like that's an easy thing to do. It's, it's taken me a while to get to that point. So anyway, hugs and happiness and oodles and oodles of love to you. Thank you so much. Love you guys. Bye