This is a bittersweet time of the year …
I have so many mixed emotions about today and tomorrow.
On this day 44 years ago, the day before my 12th birthday, I received the devastating news that my gorgeous 36-year-old Mum, the light of my life, had suddenly died. My life changed forever.
My whole world fell from beneath me. Everything went dark. The life-force drained out of me. It was as though the lights of my life were turned off. I went numb. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. Oh my god – I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I completely shut down. I didn’t know how to feel.
I certainly didn’t know how to grieve. I know I was sad, but I didn’t know how to express that. I internalised everything.
I felt so incredibly lonely and felt I was doing this all on my own. Can you believe I didn’t receive any counselling or talk with anyone? – oh my goodness, my Mum had just passed away and I didn’t talk with anyone – I’m so glad things are done differently now.
It was the day before my 12th birthday, and I don’t even remember that birthday. I don’t remember much about my childhood from that point on. I blocked it out and just got on with life. I didn’t grieve; I didn’t know how to. I just got on with life like nothing had happened.
Our family was a sad family now. The energy certainly shifted with Mum’s vibrant energy no longer with us. Even though it was never said, the message I received loud and clear was it’s not ok to be happy or laugh or enjoy life because Mum is no longer with us. We need to be martyrs and live a life of sorrow; it wouldn’t be right if we enjoyed ourselves and had fun and live any form of extravagant life when Mum had passed away”. So that’s how I lived my life – filled with sadness and loneliness and sorrow and self-doubt and fear and a deep sense of unhappiness.
In channelling Cher’s wise words – “If I could turn back time …”,
… if there is one thing I could change in this life, is that my Mum didn’t die and was still with me. But alas, that’s not how things work on this earth plane. She’s not here in the physical form, but she is definitely here in Spirit.
Into my young adult years, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to live life in the numbness of grief, so I made the conscious decision to change. I made it my life’s mission to live my best and most beautiful life, not only in honour of my Mum, but in honour of me and my own little fam bam and the generations that will come after me. I want my life to have some meaning and purpose – and from that day forward, that has been my mission.
Today is a sucky day because I miss Mum to pieces.
I’ll spend today thinking about her and the person she would have been and how our lives would have been different if Cher’s words came true. I’ll look at old photos of us and our family. I’ll connect with her through the Spirit realm and talk with her about everything going on and probably ask for her guidance on certain things. I’ll probably cry a lot and then raise a glass to the beautiful woman she was (and still is) and thank her for being my Mum.
Then I’ll wake up tomorrow and start the celebrations of my 56th journey around the Sun. I always used to hate, and I rarely use that word, but I HATED my birthdays because I couldn’t distinguish the events from the day before. It wasn’t until I was 40ish that I truly started celebrating the day and being able to separate my birth from Mum’s death – even though they are profoundly intertwined.
Tomorrow is a day of renewal, whereas today is a day of honouring the past.
This is the cycle of life, and this is my cycle of life. Today and tomorrow are incredibly sacred days for me. I have changed the meaning of what they were and what they represented to what they actually are – the coming together of two beautiful souls, experiencing love, life, death and beyond.
Writing those last words brings a great deal of peace (and lots of tears) that I haven’t experienced before. The older I get; I feel a stronger connection to Mum and through that connection I feel a stronger connection with myself. We are forever entwined and that makes my heart very happy.
Wise words from my music muse…
Thank you, Cher, for your kind words to help me dream what I would do if I could turn back time, but that’s not how it works. It works like Jason Mraz says … “live in the moment; live with peace in your mind; live with peace in your heart and live with peace in your soul … and you can’t walk through life wishing backwards…. “
So, I won’t turn back time or wish backwards. Instead, I’ll cherish every moment of the life I’m living and choose to honour my beautiful Mum today and kick off my heels by honouring myself tomorrow! Let the celebrations begin!
As always, hugs and happiness